Your Flight Has Been Delayed, But Don't Worry

9:45 a.m.

Attention all passengers heading to Oakland aboard Southwest Airlines Flight 2040: We're currently experiencing some minor scheduling delays. Your original departure time of 10:35 a.m. has been pushed back to 10:55 a.m. We sincerely thank you for your patience and we'll get you in the air as soon as we can.

10:17 a.m.

Attention all passengers heading to Oakland aboard Southwest Airlines Flight 2040: We're still waiting on your plane to arrive from Phoenix. Its departure was delayed because of some minor mechanical issues with the engines, wings, brakes, landing gear, and several navigational components. But don't worry: They've been resolved and the plane is en route as we speak. As soon as it arrives and everyone de-planes, we'll get it cleaned up and get you all on board in no time. Our current estimated departure time is 10:56 a.m.

10:38 a.m.

Hi again. Just a reminder to anyone awaiting Southwest Airlines Flight 2040 with service to Oakland: We are expecting a completely full flight and our overhead storage compartments won't close unless your item is smaller than an iPhone 4. We're currently looking for about 130 volunteers to check their carry-ons at the gate. Despite this, we don't expect any additional delays to your 11:01 a.m. departure time.

10:41 a.m.

Attention on the concourse: Will Delta passenger Richard Denkins please come to a white courtesy phone? You left two of your children and a wallet containing one-hund – uhhhhhh, sixty dollars at security.

11:01 a.m.

This is a gate change announcement for Southwest Airlines Flight 2040 with service to Oakland currently slated to arrive at Gate A5. Your new gate will be W232. But don't worry: The tram here will take you as far as Terminal F, after which you're just a quick burro ride from Terminal W. Unfortunately, you'll need to walk the remaining five miles to your gate, and all our moving walkways are under maintenance due to gigantic mole attacks. And hey, good news: your flight is now scheduled to leave at 11:02 a.m.!

11:05 a.m.

This is a gate change announcement for Southwest Airlines Flight 2040 with service to Oakland currently slated to arrive at Gate W232. This is embarrassing: That was actually meant for a United Airlines flight to Tuscaloosa. Your flight was moved to Gate A7. Our bad.

11:18 a.m.

Attention all passengers heading to Oakland aboard Southwest Airlines Flight 2040: The plane we were expecting to arrive from Phoenix was unexpectedly diverted to Manchester for an emergency landing. We're currently trying to figure out if that's England or New Hampshire. We've also got someone working on securing a new plane for you, but ... we're all pretty invested in this Manchester thing right now, if I'm honest. Your current estimated departure time is 3:30 p.m.

11:24 a.m.

A quick update on the diverted flight situation: It was actually Manchester-by-the-Sea, Massachusetts. Go figure! Oh, also, your estimated departure time is now 3:37 p.m.

11:48 a.m.

Attention on the concourse: Will Delta passenger Richard Denkins please come to to a white courtesy phone? You left your boarding pass and a bottle of duty-free Belvedere Vodka at the first white courtesy phone you went to. We'd also like to reunite you with your forty dollars and at least one of your children.

1:13 p.m.

The TSA reminds all passengers that your bags must remain in your possession at all times. Unattended luggage may be removed or destroyed by TSA agents. And trust me, you do NOT want that kind of explosive ordnance in their hands. Due to staffing shortages, TSA training is now just a two-hour optional webinar. We get anxious letting them run the x-ray machines.

1:45 p.m.

For those of you getting ready to head to Oakland on Southwest Airlines Flight 2040, we've managed to source a plane for you and it is currently en route. Granted, the only plane we could find is a prototype Boeing 888, the world's first plane that runs entirely without human intervention. The flight attendants have been replaced with A.I. agents, the pilots were created by Boston Dynamics, and the quantum computers needed to run it only increase the ambient temperature by about 30 degrees Fahrenheit. As long as it doesn't melt upon descent, it should be here at 4:02 p.m.

2:00 p.m.

This is a gate change announcement for Southwest Airlines Flight 2040 with service to Oakland currently slated to arrive at Gate A7. Your flight has been moved to Gate A6.5. To get there, please locate the exact midpoint between Gates 6 and 7 and let your focus drift like you're looking at a stereogram. Then, and only then, will the path to Gate A6.5 reveal itself to you. Please note that if your eyes lose focus at any point, you run the risk of being trapped in liminal space until you regain it. Southwest Airlines is not responsible for any damages to you or your personal property resulting from incidents in liminal space.

3:32 p.m.

Attention all passengers heading to Oakland aboard Southwest Airlines Flight 2040: We're ready to begin boarding at this time. We'd like to begin with our A-List Preferred, active duty military, unaccompanied minors, senior citizens and/or those in wheelchairs, military veterans, semi-active military reserves, accompanied minors who are just kind of inept and need the extra time, unaccompanied babies, active duty military babies, anyone with a service animal, anyone who has ever thought about getting a service animal, and unaccompanied active duty senior citizen military dogs in wheelchairs. Everyone else: Please be sure to stand up and mill around the gate like one big homogeneous blob regardless of your assigned boarding group.

4:54 p.m.

At this time we'd like to inform you that the A.I. flight attendant system is down, so you'll be responsible for sourcing your own snacks and beverages. But don't worry: The in-flight entertainment system is still operational. Although the only movie available is the 2019 version of "Cats" and the Bluetooth isn't working, so you'll have to watch at regular volume. Just a few more minutes and we'll be cleared for takeoff.

9:19 p.m.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've been cleared for takeoff. Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened and tray tables are in the locked and upright position. And please remember: "Cats" will continue looping until the plane is fully powered down, so your best bet is to just deal with it. We're trying to get a Spanish bootleg of "Snakes on a Plane" mixed in there but the WiFi speeds are terrible right now.

10:30 p.m.

Attention on the concourse: Will Delta passenger Richard Denkins please come to to a white courtesy phone? Your children have long since left with another family and we drank most of your vodka, but we still have your twenty dollars. Unless ... guys, is the Duty Free still open? Uh, disregard, Richard Denkins. Safe travels!