Leaked: Imaginary Transcript of a Fake Commencement Speech

Good morning, Alabama senior class of 2026! For those who don't know, my name is Link Lawson, and I'm senior partner at the offices of Lawson, Grombles, Hawlucha and Babar. I'm also a proud member of the Class of '08. War Eagle!

Huh? That's Auburn's thing? Whatever, I never really paid attention to sports. Unless you consider boning your mom a sport, in which case I was first-team All American. Boom! Roasted!

Woof, tough crowd today. That joke kills at the office. Even Dead Mom Steve laughs, and his mom's dead. Come to think of it, I should try to work that in next time I talk to him. What a cuck.

Where was I? Oh yeah: Let me be the first of many to say, to all graduates and to your friends and family gathered here: Congratulations. Today, you stand on the precipice of the rest of your lives. There's no telling what untold greatness lies in store for all of you. There's no limit to where you'll go or what you'll achieve. Who knows? You may even make partner at Lawson, Grombles, Hawlucha and Babar. If so, I promise I'll be nice to you. Probably. As long as you're cool. None of that MeToo shit, alright? I'm already in enough trouble with HR thanks to Dumb Bitch Steve. Yeah, it's the same guy. He's a diversity hire so I can call him both.

As I look out upon your faces from this stage, I see a reflection of myself on my own graduation day. Look at you! Young. Ambitious. Either hungover or still drunk and too coked out to know the difference. You're just like me, and that's awesome.

But even I didn't have it all figured out back then. If I could go back and give myself just one piece of advice, it'd be 'I don't care how hot they look in the club, bro, the ladies in Phuket aren't what you think.' But if I can leave you all with just one piece of advice, it'd be to embrace change. It's the only constant in life. When I was your age, we'd only just gotten iPhones. Isn't that wild? We had to do all of our sexting on a grainy two-inch Motorola Razr screen. But change comes for everything. Nowadays, we've got A.I. agents so powerful –

Wow, that's a lot of boos. Touchy subject, huh? Didn't I just tell you all to embrace change? What's so wrong with A.I.? It can write, it makes art, it even helped me organize this speech.

Jesus, calm down, people! I'm not saying I like it any more than you do. But the fact remains it's here to stay. A.I. is like my Syphilis: It's not going anywhere. We even use it at the firm! It takes notes for us, scours through boatloads of discovery, and even copy edits our legal briefs. We spend less time doing the boring stuff and more time on things like team building and legal research.

For example, last Wednesday we had a mandatory office happy hour. Grombles and I pranked our 18-year old interns by making them drink "iced tea" that was actually Balvenie scotch. Turns out that's illegal – and the only reason I know that now is because of A.I.!

Wow, some of you are leaving? Really? Real fucking mature, guys. You know what? I'm not surprised. This school was always full of dipshits even when I was in undergrad. Sad, myopic little dipshits who just aren't ready for the real world. Actually, let me give you one more piece of advice before you go: learn how to make a killer cup of coffee, because with this attitude you'll be the first ones whose jobs will be eliminated by automation and you'll only have yourselves to blame. A.I. is a tool, just like any other tool. If Thomas Edison was up here talking about inventing the lightbulb, would you be booing him?

Woooooooow. I guess I have my answer. What is wrong with you people? I take back what I said before, there clearly is a limit to how far you'll go in life with attitudes like this. It won't be long before an A.I. that's smarter than all of you put together is cheaper than sex with all of your moms. Boom! Roasted again! Enjoy the rest of your pissant graduation ceremony and good luck with the rest of your lives. You're gonna need it, dickheads. Lawson out.